As I am sure many of you have noticed I haven’t been posting a lot lately. A lot of this is an issue being an overworked and active as a graduate student. I have been bouncing back and forth from my apartment in Westwood to a variety of transgender community based events all week and swamped before that with project work. There is another reason, however that I haven’t spoken much lately which is that I am suffering from extreme dysphoria and from depression.
For those who haven’t ever dealt with depression it is impossible to explain just how much it hurts both emotionally and physically. Depression isn’t something like transition where I feel comfortable talking about generally, where it is easy for me to be open about or many people will understand. I actually feel shame about even posting this, but I need to say something about it. I feel like I don’t deserve to be sad and I want so much to be happy, but I can’t control the self hate and pain. Wanting to be happy or being told to learn to accept myself isn’t working right now, loving myself isn’t something that comes easy or that I can just will myself into doing.
I’m not suicidal, but I am exhibiting a number of common traits associated with depression. I feel like I have a black cloud following me around oftem and that I am emotionally fragile. There are periods where I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. I want to disappear and wish I never existed during these times.
I’ve cried and hurt inside a lot more lately than I ever have ever before. There are times where the emotions cause me physical pain, and I lose interest in eating and food. I have been to counseling, and if weren’t for the counseling and love of those around me I’m not sure how I could bare this pain. Now I understand what is meant by those who have dealt with depression when they have told me that no amount of love is enough to heal.
I hate my body. I know it is common for those who are transgender to dislike their body, and to even hate it in the way I hate it. My body is not my own and is like a disease that I am desperately trying to cure. I am told that if I wait that my body will get better and that mood swings are normal part of transition, but that doesn’t help me at all right now or make the pain go away. I am not sure how much longer I can wait, it feels like nothing is getting better or will ever get better. Hurting myself isn’t a way out and won’t make me feel better, it feels like there is no way out.
I have three inner versions of me right now. My current self wants so much to kill and discard my past self, while my ideal self watches and remains abusive and self critical. The worst part is that I don’t have many people I can talk to about these feelings on a daily basis and who would understand. I see a councilor once every two weeks and a group once a week, but there are times where I really need someone at that moment of pain to talk to and the only person I can tell about this pain is my girlfriend. I don’t want to burden her with this pain all the time and often feel isolated at my school. UCLA doesn’t have the community support network that I had at CSUN. Though my transgender siblings at UCLA are wonderful people they are rarely around the center, and I am not very close with the general population LGBTQ population which isn’t as committed to the idea of community or interested in getting to know me despite my commitment.